sad music makes me happy. give me all of the sad music all of the time forever and ever.
it’s hard to find the silver lining in all of this. when so much is going wrong in your world and those around you. it’s hard to see the people who gave you strength and courage growing up seem so helpless and out of control of situations. it’s really hard not being able to take away the hurt and pain from the ones who so protected you from it as a child. it’s hard to see someone you love so much cry and not being able to alleviate their worries and fears because everything is scary and life is unfair and the people you love will get hurt. it’s been an especially rough and scary week in a series of rough and scary days that will make up the rest of my life.
i have never been so entirely exhausted and in more need of a hug than i am at this exact moment.
barely surviving the last 48 hours with only 3 hours of rest. work sucks, hospitals suck, grumpiness sucks. had a full on breakdown about an hour ago and cried my eyes out. going to sleep for what i hope is nothing short of 10 hours. can’t deal. love me still even though i suck, okay?
today i almost died. as i was stepping into the shower I slipped and fell extremely hard on my back. the only thing i really remember is opening my eyes while water is rushing down on me and my entire body is aching. i cannot tell you how often this has been a nightmare i’ve had. falling in the bathtub or down the stairs and breaking my neck and dying. it happens so fast. anyway, i hope you’re as happy as i am to not have died. i have to at least finish the tv shows i’m in the middle of.
i’d say the coolest thing about me is that i can love just about anything. i don’t have standards for love. i can love anyone regardless of their affection for me. you don’t even have to know my name, i will probably still love you. throw your words at me, run your fingers through your hair, smile at the wrong times. i will love you for that and more. i will love you for that and even less. my love comes easy and quick and with intensity.
i am real life blogging again. i have so many secrets i need to share with complete strangers. it feels so good. and so anonymous. and i don’t know… weird.
also. i’m listening to old playlists i made for boys who i thought deserved them at the time and feeling something along the lines of sad. not because i miss them. but because i miss that brief time in my life where i felt something for someone who’d break my heart or who’d disappoint me. because i felt hopeful and romantic. but mostly because i wasted a lot of songs that held a lot of meaning to me on someone who didn’t end up meaning much to me. i wish i was able to see that then. that these were passing fancies. that love is just a passing fancy.
it’s been two years and i am all in. i’m at that point in my relationship where every worry i have in life revolves around something bad happening to him or us. i’ve never wanted to protect something so much in my life. i have never cared so much for anyone or anything this much. to say i’d be totally crushed and transformed in the event we did not work out is the biggest understatement i’ve ever known of. he is all i see. he is all i want. he is it.
final vacation selfie. sunburnt forehead, neck, nose, scalp, shoulders and chest. pure agony. absolute torture.