i’m never going to accomplish anything; that’s perfectly clear to me. i’m never going to be famous. my name will never be writ large on the roster of those who do things. i don’t do anything. not one single thing. i used to bite my nails, but i don’t even do that any more.

i fucking loved joan’s line from mad men last night. “my mother raised me to be adored.” brilliant!

LOVE!!!!!!!!!

s o m e d a y
s o m e
b o y
w i l l
f a l l
i n
l o v e
w i t h
a l l
m y
f l a w s
a n d
h e
s u r e
w i l l
b e
t h e
l u c k y
o n e

hi guys (and when i say “guys,” i mean individuals of the male sex)! how are you? still doing your guy thing? still playing your guitar and eating bowls of cereal in between watching some sport i’ll never understand (this is what “guy thing” means to me)? well, i’m just here, you know, texting back and forth with you and here’s the thing, DON’T CALL ME DUDE! like, i get that that word is ingrained into your brain and you use it a lot, but please don’t. i’m texting you because i’m interested in you, and when you start calling me “DUDE,” “duuuuuuuuuuude,” or any other form of “dude,” it really bums a girl out. like, i thought this was going somewhere. i thought i was being charming. i thought YOU were interested in me too. is this your way of saying you hate me? am i ugly to you? is that supposed to make me lol? i know what message i’m sending when i call a guy buddy, so i can only assume you know what message you’re sending me. i’ve been wrong before, and i can see that this is a cruel way to friendzone a girl. i get it, really. but if you want to text me while also letting me know you are not interested in me at the same time, just tell me you hate dan bejar or something. that’s 1) less embarrassing than being called dude and 2) easier to explain to my friends.

thanks for reading this, dudes!

your non-threatening friend (your fault, not mine),
laura

i just got a phone call to which i loudly respond with a, “yeah, i’ll take a little snacky snack if you’re heading this way.” as if the guys i work with need another reason to think i’m nothing but a silly girl.

in my defense, i do love snacks. especially the snacky ones.

no one look at me. or talk to me. or ask me any questions.

actually, i just want to be left alone forever and ever. this is me retiring from all of this bullshit.