it’s been two years and i am all in. i’m at that point in my relationship where every worry i have in life revolves around something bad happening to him or us. i’ve never wanted to protect something so much in my life. i have never cared so much for anyone or anything this much. to say i’d be totally crushed and transformed in the event we did not work out is the biggest understantment i’ve ever known of. he is all i see. he is all i want. he is it.
final vacation selfie. sunburnt forehead, neck, nose, scalp, shoulders and chest. pure agony. absolute torture.
i’ll never meet someone who understands my sentimentality. it’s a shame because i was really hoping i’d feel understood by now. but alas, i’m always finding meaning in this meaningless world of indifference.
I’m sorry grandpa.
Sorry you’re so sad.
i wish someone would just tell me what i want. and how to get what i want. and who to invest my love in. and why things seem so hard. and where i need to be. and when to just let things go. that’s all.
i hate when netflix takes away all the best movies. just rewatched girl, interrupted for the last time. now i must say goodby to you, gattaca.
are you allowed to get mad at a friend for not being a good friend when you need them most if they don’t know that now is the time you need them most? shouldn’t they just know, you know?
i don’t even want to get married, but get super offended when someone doesn’t want to marry me. what is that disease called?
i said i wasn’t going to keep doing this, but i have to rant somewhere. and this is as good a place as any to yell (or in my case, gently anger) in the vast abyss of the internet. who cares who reads it or who doesn’t, right?
in an earlier post, i mentioned something of a recent “personal tragedy” in my life. for the sake of privacy (though posting such a vague blurb on any public forum seems anything but private), i won’t disclose the exact details of said event because i’m still trying to figure out the best way for me to handle it. like i’ve said many times before, i am only good at ambiguity. it feels more safe than not, in this case. i’ve had people coming at me left and right giving me advice and a helping hand, which is honestly so much more stressful. i don’t like sharing my personal life, so when i have no choice in the matter, it’s even weirder. but i have to remind myself that this is all coming from a good place. as much as i hate it, these are people who (surprisingly) care about me.
i guess i should say this, my problem is not really my problem, but my father’s. he’s been battling a lot of inner demons and it’s all culminated in a rather unfortunate series of events from the past 6 years until now. it’s tough to explain to people because (even though he doesn’t deserve it) i feel the need to protect him. to a normal person, this is what you’d probably call “denial.” not that i see it that way. but i can see how everyone is looking at me lately, and i can tell that’s what they see. a big neon, flashing sign around my neck blaring the word D-E-N-I-A-L! for everyone to see. maybe i am. honestly, its getting hard to argue otherwise at this point.
it’s just frustrating to be in a situation where you want to help this person you love without knowing how, since everything you’ve done up until now has failed miserably. maybe the only way to help is by not helping. that’s what most people tell me. most people also tell me i should be in some sort of support group, but that seems crazy to me, too (DENIAL!). see, i’m self-aware enough to acknowledge i have a problem, isn’t that enough?
this actually got a lot more personal than i wanted. so i’m stopping there. but i will leave you with this story: one of my co-workers (god, it’s like my life revolves around work since these are the only people i ever talk about anymore) came up to me today and told me i need to learn to be more outgoing. need i explain again how wrong this is to say to any human being? it’s like he’s saying, 'the person you fundamentally are isn't good enough, by my standards. you should improve yourself to be more like someone who you aren't. change virtually everything about yourself and others (i) will like you better.'
i feel safe with people who are cruel to me. nothing hurts more than kindness.
oh, also. i’m a complete fucking lunatic.
dear internet world,
i’m no longer confident enough to write here.